Tale of the Steakhouse...

I went to see my friend, JJ Brannon, who I met online via AOL, at Philcon on Saturday. He and some of his family, along with Jay Wile, were attending the con. Well, it was a 2 hour drive for me, and by the time I got there, it was 20 to 7. JJ had a con panel until 7, so I waited in the lobby, then called up to his room. He told me to meet him at a place called Shula's, which fronted on the lobby.

Shula's steakhouse is owned by Don Shula, former football player and coach. This restaurant is like none I have ever been to before. For starters, despite the fact it is a very upscale place, all dark wood and white walls, you just can't escape pictures of Don Shula. They are everywhere! About every 2 to 3 feet on the walls, in gold-painted frames, every picture the size of a poster, with a plaque next to it telling what moment each picture commemorates. It's kind of overwhelming, especially if, like me, you don't particularly like football.

Even worse, when I say those pictures were everywhere, I mean EVERYWHERE. At one point, I needed to use the ladies restroom, and there were the same sort of pictures in there, too! So, there I am, sitting on the toilet, trying to look into the mirror so I don't have to look at Don Shula's mug, and I realize that there is a picture behind the toilet as well! His image is inescapable. At that point, I started talking aloud to myself, commenting, "Is anyone else in here feeling overwhelmed by all the testosterone flowing out of the walls?" Thank goodness that the bathroom was a single. If anyone else overheard me, they would probably have thought I'd gone bonkers!

So, I get back to the table, and there is a football on the table, in a little football tee (that's the thing they use to hold the football when the kicker is going to kick it). But this just isn't any football, one half of it is painted green... it's the menu! Yes, painted on the football is what's available as a main course at the restaurant. No prices, just the menu. And what's the menu? Well, as you can guess, it's strongly beef related, being a steakhouse.

But that's not all! Just in case you miss what's painted on the football, the server brings around a table on wheels that has cuts of meat wrapped in plastic wrap to show you what's available, beef-wise. The menu runs from Filet Mignon (the smallest cut) to a strip steak, a Kansas City steak, two sizes of what's called a "Cowboy Steak" and two sizes of Porterhouse, a 24 oz and a 48 oz. The 48oz, provided you manage to eat it in one sitting, gets your name put on the wall of the "48 oz club". Also available is a limited range of sides, from asparagus, broccoli and creamed spinach to baked, twice-baked or hash-browned potatoes.

Given that Shula's is meant to cater to football player-size people, the sides are not small. Indeed, the baked potato I ordered was over a foot long about about 4 to 5 inches wide. Not that it comes cheap... the potato alone was $5.95! And steak isn't the only thing on offer: they also have Lobster, Surf and Turf, a French-cut Chicken Breast, and Lamb Chops or a Prime Rib. Other locations have other options depending on where you are. You can even have a Dolphin Steak (probably only in Florida... I don't know too many other places where you would be able to eat that without other people thinking "Flipper".), Salmon and Snapper. For greens, you are limited to Asparagus, Broccoli or Creamed Spinach, all with Hollandaise or Bernaise sauce.

The meat, though, is good. All of the steaks are Angus beef, and are cooked to perfection. The baked potato was also excellent, and for desert, there is a wide assortment of goodies, from Apple Cobbler, New York Cheesecake, Seven-Layer Chocolate Cake, Key Lime Pie, Créme Bruleé and a huge dish of mango sorbet that was as big as a dinner plate.

It was a great, if extremely surreal, dining experience. If my friend JJ goes to Philcon again next year, and invites me to dine with him, I'll definitely go back to Shula's... only this time, I'll close my eyes in the women's room. :)